I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
