Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
