This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
