Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
