Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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