Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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