Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
