found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
