You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
