I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
