the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
this will be a night to untag.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
