I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Enjoy the penises
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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