So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
