Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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