Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
