I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
