I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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