Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
