i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize