My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
