I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
