Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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