remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Randomize
