Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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