it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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