Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
