Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize