i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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