You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
