Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Be still, my beating vagina.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
