***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Randomize
