the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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