And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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