dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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