My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
tonight lets celebrate not being married
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
