I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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