Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
