my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
