i love accidental penises.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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