I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
