I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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