Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
