Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You ruined the universe
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
