I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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