either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
