omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
