I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
