Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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