can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Randomize
