In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
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