Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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