I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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