If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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