Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
