i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
