I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
