if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize