I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
