I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
