Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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