Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
