Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize