He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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