So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
3pm strippers are depressing
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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