Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
