I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
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