Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
