i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
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