How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
did you just send me my own nude
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
