i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
