You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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